10 Years of Loss - grief, feeling your feelings, and breath
This is a really personal episode for me, though I have often talked about my how losing my Mom to lung cancer was a pivotal time in my life and professionally was the tipping point to learn about visceral manipulation, I have not shared a lot on my grief journey in general.
For 10 years, from 2009-2019 loss and grief were at the forefront of my life, and it was a very heavy time. However, in that sorrow, I chose to lean-in to it and let it be a teacher for me, slowly learning how to take care of myself and recognize and feel my feelings.
In this episode I share my stories of loss- friends, family, parents, homes, identities and more and what resources were helpful to me in meeting my grief and learning find joy again.
I also share the connection of grief to the viscera and common musculoskeletal pains that can result and how many of the self-care practices are actually facilitating our brain and autonomic nervous system in healing.
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Anxiety the Missing Stage of Grief- Claire Bidwell Smith
Plus One: Finding God on the Yoga Mat- Cori Martinez
To Love and Let Go- Rachel Brathen
When Breath Becomes Air- Paul Kalanithi
Oprah and Deepak Chopra’s meditations
The Work (self inquiry from Byron Katie)
A Thousand Names for Joy- Byron Katie
Considering the viscera as a source of musculoskeletal pain and dysfunction is a great way to ensure a more true whole body approach to care, however it can be a bit overwhelming on where to start, which is exactly why I created the Visceral Referral Cheat Sheet. This FREE download will help you to learn the most common visceral referral patterns affecting the musculoskeletal system. Download it at www.unrealresultspod.com
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Hey there, and welcome. I'm Anna Hartman, and this is Unreal Results, a podcast where I help you get better outcomes and gain the confidence that you can help anyone, even the most complex cases. Join me as I teach about the influence of the visceral organs and the nervous system on movement, pain, and injuries, all while shifting the paradigm of what whole body assessment and treatment really looks like.
I'm glad you're here. Let's dive in.
hello. Hello. Welcome back to another episode of the unreal results podcast. I am your host, Anna Hartman. Um, Yeah. So I've been talking about this topic for a while now. It's been on my list of things I wanted to talk about.
And, um, I just haven't gotten around to it, but I think too, sometimes I. Avoid it because. Just comes with a lot of like emotion and feelings, and then sometimes you're just.
Not ready for that kind of thing. So. Um, but here we are. It's definitely, um, so everything that needs to be. Talked about in that is grief. Um, To give you a little background in case you're new here. Um, I had a 10 year span of a lot of grief. A lot of big. Losses. All within a short period of time.
So it started in, I think it was like March, 2009. One of my athletes that I was fairly close with. Um, like. Um, We just had a, like, we were friends, we had a, um, I can describe is, you know, when you meet people and you're just like, feel like you've known them forever. And you're instantly best friends. And even if you don't aren't necessarily around them a lot, you just feel this deeper connection with them.
That, um, is.
Probably the best way I can describe the, this athlete to you. He was football player. Um, I met him back in. Shoot 2004. So really early on in my career. And, um, yeah, we just had a connection. I didn't see him very often. And I, you know, only in the off season when he come in. to Athletes' Performance and train with us. But, uh, but we just seem to have a, um,
Special bond. And, uh, so in March of 2009, he died in a tragic accident. His, uh, he was fishing. With a group of friends in the Gulf of Mexico and his boat capsized. And. He was never found and him and another one of the guys in the boat. So it. I think there was three people in the boat and only one of them.
Survived and was found. So, um, the other two. Um, men were lost and bodies were never recovered. And that was a very, um, tragic.
Tragic. Uh, death and it was very, also, it was very surprising to me of how affected I was by it. I don't think I realized until his death like that. We did have that connection and I was just very.
Affected by it. I mean, obviously I I'm still tearing up. Um, So that was the first thing. And then also in 2009, I had back surgery, which was a really big deal in, um,
I mean, in general, if anybody's had any back pain, there's like a huge amount of grief that comes with that and sadness and sorrow and feeling of loss and especially needing to have. Uh, emergency surgery and I lost Dorsey function and I was like, worried that I'd never be the same again. And so that came with its own set of, um, stress and grief. And then two, um, there's a little bit of when you're a rehab professional, there's a bit of.
Feelings around being injured, uh, especially in a. Injury like. Uh, disc herniation and injury like back surgery is because. You know, You're supposed to be the expert in knowing how to prevent those things from happening. And so there was a big identity loss, I think, around that as well that I felt, um,
But again, like I don't, again, I don't think at the time I realized that, um, this was a. Big grief in my life. Um, But I knew that it was a big stressor in my life. So that was, um, so like I said, Um, March was the first thing. And then this was, uh, July. And then, um, in.
2010.
Yeah, 2010. The real estate market had crash and the condo that I had bought in 2006.
Was completely underwater. Um, I bought the condo for like 160 or $170,000. And, um, I ended up foreclosing on it in October of 2010. And, uh, it went to auction at, for $29,000. So it was about 130 grand underwater. And luckily I lived in the state, um, I lived in Arizona where, um, I didn't have a whole lot of liability for that loss, besides.
Um, a ding on my credit and I'm from, you know, not paying the mortgage payments, but still again, it was a big sense of loss. And. A big thing that I was like ashamed about and just another big stressor. The exact day I foreclosed on the house. My grandma passed away.
Okay.
I didn't expect to cry. About that, but. It's my grandma passed away. And I didn't get to see her.
Which I regretted. I still regret. Uh, going home sooner to this year to say goodbye. I was actually on my way. To see her to say goodbye.
I was flying from Phoenix to Eureka, California, which is not the easiest town to get to. So I had a layover in San Francisco and a. When I landed.
And I landed for my layover. My mom called me and let me know.
That she had just passed away. So I missed saying goodbye to her.
My grandmother and I were very close. Sure. Me a letter every week of college.
So I think that's why.
A lot of regret in grief around her loss.
So that was on October, 2010. And, um,
Uh, Tober seventh to be exact. So, um, then in 2011, March of 2011, Uh, my sister was diagnosed with a brain tumor.
And in April of 2011, she had a 22 hour brain surgery to remove said tumor. Uh, which was a meningioma. Um, Meningioma. Sorry. And, um, That was. Scary. And, uh,
She's still, she's still here with us. Thank thankfully. But, um, It just added to the sadness and, um, stress of things. And also too, there was a loss of kind of like life, as we knew it before. She, um, overall in the scheme of how bad it could be after surgery. She's. Very good. Um, she, um, Ended up getting seizures from the surgery and, you know,
No one would realize the effect of her brain surgery on her, except for probably me and her and my mom. Good. My mom was alive, but, um, you know, she's.
Has.
Challenges, um, sort of processing. Multiple things at once and like being resilient to stress. So, um, there, there is a fact. And a huge loss. From that brain surgery. Um, you know, cause I don't. It's not, she's a different person, but she's changed. And whenever there's a significant change like that, that it comes with feelings of loss, feelings of grief and sorrow.
Um, And we didn't even really have a whole lot of time even to process that because in August, So just four months later, my mom was diagnosed with stage three B lung cancer. And. Um, started her journey in battling and lung cancer. Uh, which lasted for two years. Um, and it was a constant. I said that two years was a constant.
Feeling of grief.
Because.
lung cancer is one of those cancers that when it's caught late like, that is pretty much a death sentence. We knew. that her days were numbered, which is a silver lining of it because. Gave us the opportunity to spend as much time as possible with her. But it also meant that you were. Grieving the loss of her before she was even gone.
During the same time, my stepdad.
Uh, Grady was also going through the beginnings of, uh, dementia. And, uh,
That comes with a whole set of grief too, as you watch, somebody slip away in front of you. And becoming a different person.
Um, And he decided not to follow my mom to Sacramento for treatment, because it was hard for him. Having dementia. It was hard for him to create. Such change in his life, like living in a new place. And also it was hard for him to deal with my mom dying.
So they got basically got separated at that time. And so that was another huge.
Grief on top of it all.
Um, So throughout those two years, um, It was tough up and down a lot of sadness. And again, like, as you can see that started. All this loss started and it just started accumulating. And then, um,
My mom passed away in September of 2013. From what you 10 years coming up here. And that was.
It felt like the toughest.
It was probably the toughest thing I went through and the biggest loss. The losing her. And, uh,
Everything that comes along with.
Not just losing a loved one, but when you lose a parent, there's. Uh, loss of identity of.
There's just a loss of identity. A loss of. Home a loss of being the daughter loss of having a parent. Right. So.
That. It was another piece I'm only laughing because. I don't know why. Well, obviously I knew I was going to cry during recording this episode because that's why I've been avoiding it.
Um, so.
That was losing my mom in 2013.
And we lost my stepdad in 2015. Um,
We've just. You know, piling it on at that point.
And then things felt a little bit more stable. Well, except. But then also, like when you think about it, I also lost a good high school friend, um, in 2013. And my good friends in Arizona and their mom. Also. Lost her battle with cancer in 2013. So there's a lot of loss in that sense. And then.
Um,
And then my dad passed away in 2019.
So. Yeah, we are 2023. And I'd say. I've done so much. Work. If that's what you want to call it around. Feeling my feelings and grief and learning about grief and learning how to take care of myself. That's really been the journey. Um, that journey started when my mom, after my mom passed away, like I just realized I needed, I hadn't, I didn't want to be in her same situation. She.
Took care of us. Her whole life. To care about others. She finally had retired. She finally had retired and was ready to enjoy her retirement in like two weeks after she retired, she got diagnosed with lung cancer. And I was just like, fuck, like, I don't want to be like that. I don't want to. B. Endlessly taking care of other people.
And never have the opportunity to enjoy life and take care of myself. And I was reflecting on it and I hadn't really like taken a vacation. That wasn't associated with a work trip. Ever. Even in college, like I'd work on this in the summertime, in. So I finally was like, after she passed away, I knew I needed a break.
I thought I was actually, I'm burnt out on taking care of people at work. So I started the process of transitioning roles at Athletes' Performance, now EXOS. And from the director of physical therapy to. Working on the, performance innovation team. Which was doing a lot of like online education for. Some of our programming and, and, um, new employees coming in with all the different contracts. That we had. And because I really didn't think I wanted to do patient care anymore. I was so burnt out. And, uh, that was when actually.
In that transition time.
The. Manager or president athletes' performance at the time he asked me. He said, Hey, you know, as we transition your roles here, During our combine season, which is, um, like basically January through, through March, then of March. Uh, when the NFL athletes are training. Soon to be NFL athletes are training for the comp NFL combine.
And then the major league baseball players are doing spring training prep. He basically asked me to. Still do clinical work. For there's three months to help out because there's so many people at that time. And I was like, yeah, sure. This was the first time in like, Seven or eight years that my only responsibility at work was actually working with clients, working with athletes and.
In those three months, I just, I felt a lot of my joy come back at work and I realized that, oh my gosh, like, this is what I'm really good at. And this is, I still love to do it. And it's not that I. It's not that I.
Don't want to take care of people anymore. It's like I realized that I need the time and space to.
Not have other things. Stressing me out. In a way that that can be my only focus in including I need to take some time. Away from work altogether and take care of myself because I realized I was on the same map as my mom. I was constantly putting work in everyone at work and everything at work.
In front of taking care of myself. And so that's, I quit. I quit. For that reason, 100% was take care of myself and to return to full patient care mode. And I knew I couldn't do it at that job once I was already, the director is hard to go backwards in the company. Right. Any company. And so that's when I decided to start my own business and also take some time off.
I basically was telling people that I was in, I was taking time off to take care of myself and enjoy my mom's retirement. Obviously when my mom passed away, my sister and I inherited. Um, Money and got life insurance from her. And so for the first time too, I didn't really have to worry about making ends meet and I had money to support me and just living. And so I took vacations and that really started the deep dive into.
Uh, processing my feelings. And do in personal development around. Taking care of myself around. Feeling my feelings up until that point, I was like major stuffer. I would just not, I would just ignore it. I would just stuff, them stuff, my emotions, and, uh, So I started, you know, journaling and I did a yoga teacher training, which was so helpful.
And I started reading some books. Um, Uh, and throughout the years, actually it took me. You know, this is not, um, I took eight months off from work before I started working again. But it's not like in eight months I, I processed everything. Right. The grieving process last forever. As you can see I'm S you know, I still get emotional. I still start crying.
When I.
Um, Think about. All the loss. But, but now I'm more okay with it. And I think that's the sort of, one of the big messages, and this is one of my athletes. Uh, recently, um, His father passed away. And that was my. Advice to him and that, and that's sort of my wisdom to him was listen. You're going to be sad about it.
You're going to have, you're going to have a lot of sorrow and sadness and grief. And it's going to last forever. It's not, there's not a timeline on it and it's not something that feels really big now and doesn't feel really big. And. You know, two months it could, it fluctuate. Sometimes it really feels really big years later and sometimes it doesn't.
And also that when you're feeling a certain way, sad or lonely or whatever, it may be, you're angry like that. That is not you, that you are separate from your feelings, your feelings. Our energy moving throughout the body. Moving throughout the mind, and it's not who you are. Cause I felt sad for a really long time.
I'd say nowadays, I still feel fad. Often.
But it doesn't linger. And it's also a feeling of. It's also. A feeling that I think people try to run away from, but it's just part of the experience. Part of loving someone so much. It's part of like feeling it's hard to feel really happy. Without feeling some sadness. And I used to. Just stop it and ignore it.
And now when it happens, I name it like I'm like, man, I'm sad today. I'm feeling that today, or, you know, you can put the word feeling and that's fine, but it's. Recognizing that when you feel sad, it's a feeling and it's not who you are. You are not sad forever. And I think. At the beginning right after losing my mom. And I was just so sad through the two years of her.
Battle with cancer that I just felt like this is me forever. Like I felt like I had lost myself a little bit and it took a long time of learning how to take care of myself and processing my feelings and giving me the space to feel these things in realizing that I was not my feelings. That. I finally found myself again. And it's funny because I realized like, when I felt that for the first time I was at a friend's house, like a friend's party and I was like, oh my gosh, like,
This is the first time I felt myself like fun. Anna is back. And so then for a year, for a while, I still sometimes refer to that as fun Ana, but at the same time, like, And there was not a fun end, sat, Anna. It's all parts of me. Right. So, and I realized that now, like I can really be really fun and silly and happy, and then I can also be really sad.
And it's okay to be. Have both. And, uh, I think sometimes too, like I recently I heard, I simply posted this thing and then threads, I think, but basically it was like, let's normalize. Really actually answering your friends when they ask how you're doing, instead of being like, oh, I'm fine. Like keep an honest answer.
And man. Is it disarming for people? But I really try to, in those moments, when somebody asks me how I am, like, I try to actually be like, damn, like, how am I doing. Because the tendency to ignore and stuff. It's always there because who wants to feel sad? Not me. Right. But realizing that it's, there is like half the battle of like, not feeling it anymore. It's just sometimes I think about them as like,
You know, like a little kid, like sometimes they're just like so annoying and like talking all the time and it's like part of the reason I think they talk all the time. Is because they just want to be heard and us adults sometimes ignore them, just let them talk. And it gets so frustrating. It's like, if you just take a second.
And like look at them and be like, yeah, Yeah. Interesting. You know, what are you thinking? You know, engage in a conversation with them. Then they're less annoying. But he stopped talking as much because they just wanted to be heard. In the feelings are often like that too. So, um, Where am I going with this? Besides just having this like cry Fest on the internet and not.
Uh, not, that's not me. That's not the goal. Um, I wanted to share a couple other things about grief. One, the visceral effects in the body effects of grief are huge. So grief. Is most associated with the lungs, the organ of the lungs. And so. Often times we can get a lot of referred pain to the mid back neck and shoulders.
From grief. So I will often see this a lot. Someone will come to me with shoulder pain. Um, or back pain and, or just even any, you know, you can have hip tightness from it, from that tension up in the upper thorax. Right. Cause it's going to change everything in our diaphragm and how our body functions and.
You know, when you do a good history, one, the El tab, the locator test assessment protocol takes me to their lungs. And then also realizing oftentimes people are dealing with some grief and sorrow. And, um, this can be in the lungs. So that is a very normal occurrence to have shoulder, neck and upper back pain.
While dealing with losses. Now, also some of the feelings that come with. Grief is anger. And fear, especially like, so in the example of my mom passing away from cancer, There is a big fear that. I'll get cancer or my sister will get cancer or anything that goes on in our bodies are like, oh my God, it's cancer.
Right. Like you start to be kind of a warrior and you're afraid of getting sick. You, the mortality that we are faced with becomes very apparent when you lose a parent. That is young like I did. So my mom was only 61. I believe when she passed away, not even, she would have been 61 that year. So 60 and, uh, so there's a big component of that fear and anger. Those emotions usually get discharged or affect the liver quite a bit. The liver again.
Commonly refers pain to the right shoulder. Um, and neck. As well as the back. As well as left sided, sciatica is a pretty common one too. So again, all of those symptoms can be associated with grief and loss. And then the spleen actually is the organ that worry. Affects quite a bit. So the spleen, if you think about the spleen, you can get left shoulder pain with spleen.
Uh, stuff as well as the spleen. To the main organ of the lymphatic system. So along with the liver and the lungs, all of this can create a lot of lymphatic congestion. So that's interesting. Um, I'm learning recently and there's some mineral imbalances that can occur in our body because of these traumatic responses as well.
Um, which has been really interesting. Um, I have, what's called a calcium shell, which is seen a lot in, um, Trauma and high stress and in, um, those kinds of feelings. So that's been really interesting to be working on that. From a nutritional or mineral standpoint. And then, um, so it's like the message I want to share is grief can be really physical.
We can not feel well on our body because of these. Emotions that we are feeling or not allowing ourselves to feel very much. Right. So, or at least not processing them. And then, um, some of my other lessons I learned from grief and I'm going to share some of the books that I think were really helpful and probably the top things that I did.
Um, two.
Take care of myself and, um, help me through those times. Is, um,
Um, the stages of grief that are most well-known. That were described by Elizabeth Kubler Ross. Interesting enough, like I'm sure you've heard of them. It's like anger, fear, anger and denial, bargaining and acceptance. Are they stages of grief. Those get thrown on thrown around a lot, but what most people don't realize is that.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross actually. Described those and wrote about those. Stages of grief in relationship to the patient that's dying. The person that is dying. Those are the stages that they go through when they find out they have a terminal illness and are going to die. It is not the same thing that you go through as someone who is grieving the loss of something or someone.
That in itself is very mind blowing because oftentimes when you look to the stages of grief, you're like, I have not gone through all of these, like don't and, and also feel like you have to go through all of them because we're trying to get this acceptance at the end. Right. But again, realizing that that was described for someone who was dying, someone who had a terminal illness is important to understand you as the person left behind in the loss or, or even the loss of something else.
Right. I'm listing all the things. And one of the things I talked about is the loss of identity. Uh, loss of my, um, house that I had bought a loss of feeling of home. Like the things you feel lost for doesn't have to be. Losing. A loved one or a losing someone to death. Uh, loss can be a lot of different things.
Um, Recently in the, in the last couple of years with, with my track athlete, we've, you know, like, um, he got disqualified. At the world championships for a, um, False start. And that felt like this huge loss in what's interesting. Now that I've gone through so much grief of losing people, losing loved ones to death.
I much more recognize the feeling of loss, the feeling of sorrow from loss. When it comes to other things. And so I'm like, gosh, like man going through this.
Losing and sport losing in business, losing. Whatever right. Losing money. I that's another thing like losing trust in someone. Oh my gosh. That's huge thing. And that's a story for another day. But. I've lost a lot of money in trust from a situation with a loved one to that is again like these feelings of loss and sorrow.
Mix with shame. That. I recognize better now because of the work I have done to recognize the feelings I had with the loss of my mom, the loss of my friend, the loss of my grandparent. So that's been a really interesting thing too, is realizing that. There is a lot that we got goes through life that we have go on in life.
That we feel feelings of loss and grief in don't probably even recognize it. Because it's sort of like.
Less accepted. Forms of grief. So. That's interesting.
With that said, what are the things that helped me? So I mentioned I did a yoga teacher training. Fairly soon after my mom passed away and I took time off. That was a really huge piece for me. Because of the emphasis on self inquiry and, um, Taking care of yourself. The self inquiry piece. We did in my yoga teacher training was actually the work from Byron Katie. And so, um, all link her stuff in the show notes. Basically she has a series of four questions.
Called the work. Um, that helps you. You use self inquiry on the things you believe. And oftentimes what we are believing is not. What is actually happening in ring. Reality. The best way, the best example I can give to you. Of this. Is. After my mom died, I learned. If I said she should be here, you know, if I was upset and I was like, oh, you know, in wrapped up in these feelings of, she should still be here. She should be able to see me in my business. She should be able to meet my nieces. She should be able to like, see me, get married one day. If I am letting the stories of should run rampant, then I am believing something that is not true because the truth is.
Is, she won't be here for those things or she isn't here for these things because she died. It's sort of like saying she shouldn't have died. She did die. So she was. That that happened. I N me saying she shouldn't have is arguing with reality. And when you argue with reality, That's when it doesn't feel good. That's when it has all this very powerful, like charged energy.
That. Feels dissonant. Like there is a dissonance with it within you. And so learning that self inquiry, learning the work by Byron Katie and applying her four questions. I do some beliefs. Really allowed me to like live in reality, live in. Reality, even when reality sucks when you're in reality, it just feels better because it's the truth.
And that's the thing I talk about actually, a lot within movement rev and, um, learning. How to listen to your paint patients and listen and trust your body is understanding what it feels like to be in truth in your body. And when you can recognize that. You recognize when you're not in truth in your body, when there is dissonance and you can be like, Hmm, what, what is a belief? I am believing that is not true.
That is creating this dissonance. And when you can identify it. And find the truth, find the reality, then it completely discharges things. So that is, that's been a huge thing. So, um, Byron Katie is her name and her method is called the work. So the other thing is writing journaling, writing how I felt, um, giving myself space to unstuff stuff, as well as one of the biggest things was when I lost my mom. I talked to her every day. I always talked to her every day. My mom and I were very close my entire life.
I realize that not everyone has that relationship with their parents or. And that is fine, but for me, part of the feelings of loss. Uh, when I lost my mom was also losing my best friend because that is who I talked to about everything. And so. I really missed those daily conversations. I still must as daily conversations.
Um, and when I really feel like I want to talk to her, I write. I write her a letter.
On many mother's days and her birthdays after I, after her death, I would re I would still get a card for her and write it. And I would just place it inside the urn. I have her, her ashes. Um, or just leave it in a journal and I have out have all these letters to my mom. And, and also I learned that in the yoga teacher training is like, we are, are, are, we are all mirrors to each other. And so sometimes.
You can write a letter to someone like that, that you miss, or even that you're having a problem with or a love letter. And if you go back through and read that letter and you replace their name with your name. Those are the messages that you need to hear. Our deeper wisdom knows what we need. And sometimes we have our hard time admitting it to ourselves.
Or. When you write it down, even when you're referring to someone else or writing to someone else and you read it back. As if it were written to you. That is sometimes the, exactly what you need to do here. And so one, the act of still writing her and communicating to her, and then also realizing that some of the things I was saying.
To her, I needed to hear for myself. Right. So like, even when I wrote like, you know, mom, I miss you so much, like.
I wish you were here. Here's what I need from you. When I read that back in my own name, Ana, I miss you so much. I wish you were here and this is what I need from you. It was like, oh man, like how true is that? I felt like I had lost myself in that whole thing.
And I was missing myself. And when I recognize that I could do the things I needed to do to find myself again. Including feeling the feels. Writing them down recognizing it, and then doing the things to make the space, to make my nervous system feel better and know that I. Was loved and not alone and all the things that I listed out. Right. So.
That was so eyeopening and so helpful. So that, that is one practice that I still do when I feel like I need to talk my mom or my dad now that he's gone to.
Um, pro tip. If you're listening to this and you haven't lost a parent or a loved one. Um, save their voice messages, record them as much as you can. You will miss their voices. Just a side note there, because sometimes I will listen to them when I need to hear them too.
Um, so then along the years I finally found a book that I think, man, I wish I would have had it right after. I was going through all of this but, um,
One of the books that really helped me was a book called anxiety, the missing stage of grief for, so my anxiety was like off the charts. When my mom was going through her cancer journey and then after she died and I would say like, I probably have always had a level of anxiety. It was just like, Through the roof afterwards. I mean, this book was so helpful in realizing that it's a really common feeling for people to feel after losing someone.
And after experiencing grief and loss. And so, um, man, I cannot speak more highly about this book. Like I think everyone should read it. Um, It is by, uh, I think if I didn't say it, her name is Claire. Bidwell Smith. She also has an Instagram that I'll link in her and she's just a great resource. The books are great risks.
Resource and has some really practical things recommended in the book to help you. Process. And deal with the feelings of sorrow. So another book that's good. In that sense, it's called option B. By Sheryl Sandberg. So Sheryl Sandberg. If you don't know who that is, she was a Facebook executive. She lost her husband at a young age.
I had young children. And so she wrote a book, um, about. Like building the resilience in herself, um, from loss. And there was some really great tips that she had about just, um, Learning how to like find gratitude and build gratitude. Build. Your strength, build your resilience again with some daily habits of journaling and some other, um, things too. So that's another book that I think is really great. And then.
Um, The other. Books that I've often shared the Byron Katie books. So I'll share a couple of those. Um, And then some books about other people's losses. So Rachel briefen, who's known as yoga girl on social media. She wrote a book. Um, About losing her best friend. That was very helpful. And then also, um, Corey Martinez, who was my, the yoga teacher that I took the yoga teacher training with.
She wrote a, wrote a book called, um, Plus one. And, um, she it's about kind of life, but about a loss of, um, uh, due to a miscarriage. So losing a baby as well as she talks about this concept of a video or like arguing with reality in the book too. So. Those are great memoirs as well. I will. Oh, the other one too. That was really good in terms of dealing with it, which is from a different perspective was the perspective of the person dying was, um, when breath becomes air.
From Paul Kalanthi. um, He had lung cancer and he was a doctor and he wrote this book about his journey as well.
So in addition to the books, um, that was really helpful. One of the things that was helpful too, was Oprah and Deepak Chopra did a series of meditations and journal practices. And these are, this is actually something that I did even during my mom's. Um, when my mom was still alive, when she was going through her cancer treatments.
And it was really helpful too. And then I actually went back through the ones that were my favorite and I felt like the most helpful. After she passed away.
I'll link them in the show notes. Um, and thinking about to during. During this journey, like. Especially, you know, I brought up the yoga teacher training and the self inquiry work.
The other thing that was really helpful with the yoga teacher train and actually I think bridges the gap between, um, the visceral piece and, and. The journey. Is. I went to yoga. Maybe. Two days after my mom passed away or four days, like it was right close after she passed away. And I didn't really want to do anything.
But I just felt like I needed to do something to take care of myself. And Corey was teaching a class and in her, this space at offer yoga and in Sacramento was just. Uh, space. I really loved to be in. And I laid down in class and the music playing was Garth Stevenson's, um, music, which if you've ever heard that.
It just makes you feel in your body so much. And, uh,
Cost started. And then I took a breath and then I just burst into tears, you know? And. And what I was really what it felt like is I think it was four days. And what it had felt like is I felt like I was holding my breath. That I literally couldn't breathe. Since the moment my mom took her last breath and, um,
Being in yoga that day just was like, Like a big exhale. It just allowed me to like start breathing again. And. That is such a common thing to say when, when we. Actually breath has associated with so much emotion, right? Because we, and we use words like that a lot, like held my breath. It took my breath away.
And we can say it took my breath away, both from fear and being scared. Or sad as well as like being. Blissful and happy and just. Um, it's really interesting how we associate breath in the words regarding breath with so many things, but I really did feel in that moment, like, That was the beginning of being able to breathe again. And beginning of being able to allow my breath, they create some space for me and to create some healing for me.
In the loss. Uh, around my mom and just being able to take care of myself. And then about a month later, I actually took a 50 hour advanced. Yoga teacher training with Corey actually beef in this was before my full 200 hour. And in the 50 hour training. The thing that was. Unexpected was the amount of healing I did in that four day. It was like a four day or six day, like experience and, um,
The amount of healing. And I think majority of it was actually from the key ton work, which if you're not familiar with Sanskrit words with yoga, Keaton is a call and response chanting or singing. And the group singing and the energy was just so healing. And if you break down. Singing and chanting.
What it is, is just like, A lot of extended exhale breaths, which is so calming to the nervous system. As well as singing and even talking right. This. Even this podcast is like so therapeutic to get the words out, right to talk. And two. To verbalize. Is not only good to like call things out in and put words on how you're feeling, but even in song and singing.
Chanting doing wind instrument, the long exhale stimulates our autonomic nervous system. To move into a parasympathetic mode in that parasympathetic state is where the healing take takes place. It's it's where our resilience and our recovery and our revitalization happens. And so that chanting, I leaned into the chanting a lot and I took what I learned in that 50 hour. And I would.
Do the key Taiwan. On my own, just to it's. It's a, like a pranayama. Breath practice in itself. So pranayama is the Sanskrit word for, for breathing exercises base, basically an extension of your life force, your Pronto extension, a a pulling out of your life force and. Um, doing the breath work was, was a huge, important piece for me. I think in, at the time, I didn't necessarily realize the power of it on the nervous system, but now I know.
And that not only is it very stimulating to the vagus nerve, but the glossopharyngeal nerve. And other nerves of social engagement, which are so important. For that parasympathetic state and that feeling of safety. And especially to you think about a ketone is usually in a group scenario, like a group classes singing together, this call and response.
And that in itself is such social engagement and community. And, and that is a big piece, um, of healing that I think that we miss a lot, especially when it comes to grief and loss, because people have so much. Shame around the feelings of grief and loss and sadness. Like people, there's a lot of shame around the feeling of sadness. And so we don't talk about it. And since we don't talk about it or give it life.
We don't put ourselves in opportunities to create community. And have that social engagement, which is so important for the safety of our nervous system and the healing of our mind and body. So, um, I did, I did want to share that piece too, because I think it's important. And then in that it goes to like, what can you do?
From a movement standpoint to support this grief process, especially when there is a visceral. Um, Connection to it. And it is its movement to support the lungs. So supporting breathing exercises, doing self massage, like with the quarters of ball around the rib cage, man, I wish I had the cortisol as a tool early in my grief practice using the quarters ball to.
Compress and mobilize the liver and the visceral organs. Around the spleen, like the upper abdominal organs. All of this side, bending rotation, all of these exercises that can be so supportive to the lungs, to the liver, to the spleen. Into the nervous system itself. Is such a wonderful way to take care of your body when it's needing to discharge emotions, re in relationship to grief.
So, um, Hopefully. This was helpful for you. And I think too, um, I spoke to this a little bit when I talked about recognizing the feelings of loss. Um,
You know, when, when my athlete went through, uh, athletic Kloss and like, realizing that that's what the feeling I was feeling was happening. I think that I spent so many years stuffing my emotions is it was it's. It was hard for me, never recognize what I was feeling. And in fact. Um, The more work I do around.
Feeling my field's feeling everything. Even Exterro septic information. The more I spend getting to know myself. Getting to feel with my body as a feeling being, and getting in tune with my emotions, the better it is that I can recognize them when they rise up and recognize when I have that dissonance or recognize when I'm in residence of truth for not arguing with reality. And, um,
It's actually two with that, you know, I mentioned. How my dad passed away in 2019. And I didn't talk a lot about it. When I was giving you sort of the timeline of this 10 year chunk of grief. And. Oh, the overwhelming feeling. I've of course I was sad when he passed away. I was very sad, but the overwhelming feeling.
Actually was me. Realizing for the first time, probably in my life, which at the time I was 39. So for 39 years, realizing that actually my entire relationship with my dad since I was a. Child since I was probably three. That I was having feelings of sadness and grief. Throughout my life with him because he wasn't a big part of my life. And so I was, I was having these feelings of loss of a father.
While he was alive. And this is very similar. I talked about this. In relationship to my stepdad having dementia. And then this is in, in my mom having cancer, like. Sometimes you're grieving the loss.
Before the loss actually happens, or before you realize that the loss was there. So in this case, when my dad died, I was sad, but there was actually a huge feeling of relief. And when I really sat down with that. The relief was this feeling of like, oh my gosh, I've been grieving this whole, my whole life really.
And now I finally have a place for the grief, if that makes sense. Like, I finally had a. The reason for the grief. Like he was truly all the way gone, if that makes sense. And, and I found relief in that moment, but it was also a moment that made so much sense to me. And it was, I was proud of because I don't know if I would have recognized it.
Years before. And then of course, do I think all the work leading up to that that was like the last of this big 10 years of grief. All the work leading up to my dad, passing away after my, you know, from when really, really it was with my mom passing away that I started to actually learn how to deal with it. All of that work from 2013 into 2019, when my dad passed away, the six years of like,
Doing the work in. And taking the time to take care of myself, really put me in a place where it was easier for me to.
B and like be in my sadness and. Name it and be okay with it and write letters or like talk to my dad out loud or listen to the voicemails, but then all could also recognize how has just a different dynamic and.
But yeah, like having the tools was I think so important. And so there was a whole different energy around losing him. And then losing my mom. Then losing my grandma who obviously like filming this podcast. Makes sense. I'm still so upset about it because back when that happened, it was such a new experience to me. And then it was piled on with the much other stuff I never got the time to really like.
Do the things to process it. So. Hopefully, I know this podcast kind of rambled on a little bit, but I hope that one, you understand the story where I'm coming from. Not that I was trying to show you that I'm an expert in grief by any means, because I don't think that's true. But just to give you some contacts that have like,
It was a. It's been a lot. It was a. A deep pile of grief and sadness. And I've really, you know, took the time to. Unpack a lot of it. And I'm also one of the things that I felt was most important. During this process is sharing it with other people and talking about death and talking about grief and talking about being sad because.
I think that is part of the problem. People don't know how to act. Don't know what to say. They don't like feeling uncomfortable. So they don't want to ask questions about things that they know that are, that might upset you. And so I'm very open with how I feel. I'm very open with my grief process, my grieving process.
The continued grieving process because I want it to be a conversation that people have with each other, because we all, all it is a very human experience to lose. Something someone have grief have sorrow. And since we're all going to experience it and experience different amounts of it. It's helpful.
To share things like this. Hope you see the kind of the full body picture. And then also, I hope that you have some resources to deal with grief as it comes up for yourself or your patients. I have great week,
we will see you next time.
